To say or not to say…….. August 30, 2010

***disclaimer: If you are easily offended please do not proceed.***

Hey all!

I know its been awhile. My computer went kaput so I was forced into a hiatus. A lot has transpired since my last post. Most recently the hubbub surrounding Dr. Laura Schlessinger and her use of the dreaded “N” word. I have been conflicted about discussing such a heated topic.

There is so much negative history surrounding this word. While I respect and honor the pain and humiliation my ancestors endured so I can live the best life possible as a black American woman the word does not offend me. Have you ever looked up the definition of the word nigger?

When I was young I looked up the definition of nigger. It went as follows.

nigger: a debased, ignorant, or very low person

I admit there was only one instance in my life when someone referred to me as a nigger. I was between the ages of 9 – 11. I laughed at him and other black kids commenced to whipping is little ass. I was confused. I knew I wasn’t an ignorant or low person, but why was everyone so angry? Being a naive kid I just shrugged it off, forgetting all about it.

In 2000 I cut off my hair and sported my au naturale. During this time I became a bit more curious about the history and struggles of blacks in this country so I did a lot of reasearch. I saw how my ancestors were treated and how that word was used against them. We were thought of as animals, beneath a white American just because of the color of our skin. It stirred up a lot of emotion in me. I became angry and held on to that anger for quite a while.

Fast forward to 2010. Here is the current definition of the word nigger from dictionary.com.

The term nigger is now probably the most offensive word in English. Its degree of offensiveness has increased markedly in recent years, although it has been used in a derogatory manner since at least the Revolutionary War. Definitions 1a, 1b, and 2 represent meanings that are deeply disparaging and are used when the speaker deliberately wishes to cause great offense. Definition 1a, however, is sometimes used among African-Americans in a neutral or familiar way. Definition 3 is not normally considered disparaging—as in “The Irish are the niggers of Europe” from Roddy Doyle’s The Commitments —but the other uses are considered contemptuous and hostile.

–noun
1. Slang: Extremely Disparaging and Offensive .
a. a black person.
b. a member of any dark-skinned people.

2. Slang: Extremely Disparaging and Offensive . a person of any race or origin regarded as contemptible, inferior, ignorant, etc.

3. a victim of prejudice similar to that suffered by blacks; a person who is economically, politically, or socially disenfranchised.

WOW!

Okay so over the years the word morphed from an ignorant or low person with race not playing a part AT ALL to an offensive word to specifically describe a black or dark-skinned person. How did that happen? I’ll give you my opinion.

We, black America, are partially responsible. It happened because we react emotionally whenever someone who is not black uses the word. It doesn’t matter if it is in an offensive manner or not. Some believe it’s okay if we say it among ourselves (I use the word), but it’s off-limits to those who aren’t black.

Do we get to pick and choose who can or cannot say it? Below is the interview of Dr. Laura with Larry King.

Larry refers to black people as “N” word people. Ooooookay….did no one catch that? Where was the outrage over that faux pas?

So black people are known by some world-wide as “N” word people. Some call a white person “acting black” a whigger. Why is that allowed? What exactly is “acting black” anyway? I digress……

How can we get mad when someone uses the word in a way we don’t agree with? We can’t pick and choose.

The bottom line is we give words power. Emotional responses are what fuels actions behind how words are used. We need to start removing our emotions from the equation.

I don’t know about you but I see niggerish activity on a daily basis. It’s quite common now a days. Jersey Shore anyone?!?!? If that isn’t debased, ignorant and very low behavior I don’t know what is. My question to you is if you do not display that kind of behavior, why are you offended? If you are offended aren’t you calling yourself a nigger?

Did you know there is an idea being thrown around to remove the word from the English language all together? Again, WOW!

I remember during the 2008 election a good friend and I were discussing what America would be like if Obama was elected President. We both agreed more Americans would show their true colors. Damn it if we weren’t right! I say let them.

There are many, many, many other things we should be more concerned with. Words shouldn’t even be on the list.

We Americans need to take a good look at ourselves and our brothers and sisters and make some changes in this country. We are too dependent on our government. Our American communities are struggling economically which breeds violence due to fear and desperation. We need to make changes to sustain our families.

Let’s focus more on changing lives and less on words.

Just because I love Prince and I think this song is fitting…..enjoy!

New Music Monday June 7, 2010

If you don’t already know, I am a massage therapist. Friday was an exceptionally busy day for me. I was tired and headed to my last appointment. I was directed to a suite in one of those hoity toity hotels. Upon entering I heard the most BEAUTIFUL music. Usually I ask the guest if they want to use their music or mine. Not this time. I couldn’t ask. I had to hear more. Once I got set up and started working, it was like the music spoke to my body. It directed every move I made guaranteeing a calming, relaxing massage session.

I had to know how the artist was so I asked. I am proud to introduce Si*se’.

Formed in the beginning of 2000 by singer/DJ Carol C. and programmer U.F. Low, Si*Sé bring together a wonderful mix of electronica, soul and latin rhythms. After being connected through a mutual friend, Carol C. and U.F. Low spent a few months getting acquainted and sharing musical ideas over the phone. Finally they met once before going into a studio and recording a 5 track demo in one day. This very demo fell into the hands of LuakaBop amongst other record labels and everyone wanted more. It was time to put a live act together and both Carol and Cliff agreed they wanted to get musicians involved. Cliff turned to college friend Ryan Farley (drums) and Carol got friends Jeannie Oliver (viola), Neil Ochoa (percussion) and Morgan Phillips (bass) involved. Each member brings his/her influence into the music but they have one thing in common and that’s New York City. Listening to their music is like walking through the streets of New York, urban and full of culture.

Si*Sé’s music has been featured on Sex in the City, One Tree Hill, Six Feet Under, Project Runway, SVU, Road Rules and various tv commercials. They have shared the stage with artists such as David Byrne, Gotan Project, Cesaria Evora, James Brown, Cody Chestnut & The Roots, Norah Jones, Natacha Atlas and Kraftwerk.

What I was introduced to was their 2005 album More Shine.

More Shine reminds me of the ocean. It speaks to my spirit. I will definitely be adding it to my massage and personal music collection. Here is The Truth from More Shine. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did. Take care and spread love…….

Ladies, It’s All Our Fault… June 5, 2010

I am a fan of the group Chicago and Peter Cetera. YES, I proudly admit it! So I was listening to the songs You’re the Inspiration

and Glory of Love

I started thinking when was the last time a man inspired me or swept me off my feet? It was 10 years ago. I had the privilege of dating a wonderful man who was my best friend and a gentlemen in every sense of the word. Less than perfect timing prevented us from taking our relationship further, but he and I are still friends because he is so awesome.

When I was younger I was lucky to have known some great young men. One guy I dated sent me flowers or a stuffed animal every week. Another guy would write me letters and mail them to me. They did it in hopes it would bring a smile to my face, make me happy. And it did. I didn’t expect it from them, they did it because they wanted to. And get this, THERE WAS NO SEX INVOLVED IN EITHER RELATIONSHIP. Things were so simple then. At that age one had never been hurt. Walls weren’t built up around ones heart to protect feelings. No one had a negative thought when it came to love. Since then I haven’t been as fortunate.

In my dealings with men, it seems as if they forgot what it means to date or court a woman. There is no calling you on the phone for hours of conversation. It’s been replaced with texting. Even though I do it, I’m not a fan. There is no picking you up and taking you out for a meal or a long walk. Instead you go to each others houses and watch movies, which makes it easy to transition to sex. It’s like men don’t know how or aren’t interested in establishing a real connection with a woman. They don’t seem concerned with a woman’s happiness. I blame us ladies.

Somewhere along the line we (women) started thinking that we could live our lives emotionally detached as some men do. We got tired of being hurt and decided that if men can jump from one bed to the next, so can we. The thing is ladies, we can’t. The consequences we experience from our actions are different from those of men. Whether you want to admit it or not, you know it’s true.

I see it all the time. Women dealing with men who don’t treat them with any respect, consideration or love. These women know he is laying with others and think if she keeps hanging on “one day” he’ll realize her worth and change his ways. I have been that woman. I have been the other woman. In both instances I was doing myself a huge disservice. Why would a man take me seriously when I was comfortable being the side chick? Why would a man take me seriously when I was ok with him getting his action on the side? Why would I want to be involved with either man anyway? Ladies, men are only going to do what we allow them to do. The thing is we are sometimes so afraid of being alone we put up with it. Yes, there will always be someone to deal with that kind of foolishness, but why does it have to be me? I know I want better than that.

I want a man who wants my happiness. I want a man who respects me enough not to carry on that type of life after he has met the WONDERFULNESSthat is ME. I demand it!

What’s unfortunate is that when I meet a man I actually dig, he’s following the same playbook as others before him. Not putting forth much effort to woo me, thinking making me laugh will guarantee access to my goods. I don’t know about y’all, but that song and dance bores me. No matter how attracted I may be to someone when I sense things going in that direction I’m automatically DONE. It’s sad because I know some other female is going to fall for it. So why would a guy put forth effort to pursue me when there is an easy lay somewhere else?

Now will I have more nights alone as a result? Yup, and I am ok with that. I don’t want a piece of someones love. I deserve all of it and I’m willing to wait for it.

With the way today’s society has evolved, nobody feels the need to have to wait for anything. Everything you could ever want and need is immediately at your fingertips – be it information or communication – it’s readily accessible. So why not sex, right?

To me this is where the problem lies. What’s the point of committing if you’re sleeping together with no obligation? Why are we acting first without taking into account the consequences? What happened to good, old-fashioned anticipation and excitement about feeling some kind of way for a special person? Why do we want it all immediately? A could-be relationship fades before it begins because there was no substantial foundation to begin with. Ladies, we got to do better……

New Music…. May 28, 2010

I am a self proclaimed music snob and artist need to come correct to get my support. I haven’t enjoyed anything from Alicia Keys since The Diary of Alicia Keys. Her new joint Un-thinkable is beautiful, but the video puts it in the category of AMAZING! Chad Michael Murray blesses the video as her love interest. I have been watching it non stop since yesterday. Check it out!

Different Strokes – How To Manage A Massage Menu May 12, 2010

This is an article I read in Natural Health magazine written by Hillari Dowdle.

Therapeutic or relaxing? Until recently, those were your only options when choosing a massage off the spa menu. These days, you need a whole new vocabulary to find a treatment you’ll really love.

“Swedish  massage or variations on it, used to be the standard, ” says Anne Williams, L.M.P, C.H.T, a Colorado based licensed massage practitioner, clinical hypnotherapist, registered counselor and massage textbook author.  “Now you see everything and anything on spa menus:  shiatsu, lomi lomi, abhyanga.  If you’re a massage connoisseur, that’s a great thing because you don’t have to travel the globe to get these services.”

But if you’re a bodywork newbie, making a selection can be overwhelming.  Here’s a guide to help you make your way onto the padded table that’s right for you.


SWEDISH
Recent studies have found Swedish massage (characterized by moderate pressure and long strokes that run along the grain of the muscle) to be not only relaxing, but also deeply healing.  “We’ve been able to demonstrate that it helps with depression, pain syndromes, immune problems, diabetes, cancer and even HIV,” says Tiffany Field, Ph.D., director of the Touch Research Institute at University of Miami Miller School of Medicine.  The key to this kind of healing effect?  Stress reduction, Field says.

Choose it if you’re chronically wound up and need full-body relaxation, or just want to feel deliciously pampered.  If you’re a beginner, start here, says Williams.

DEEP-TISSUE

A results oriented massage, deep tissue work incorporates penetrating kneading techniques, cross-grain strokes and tripper-point releases.  “Deep-tissue massage really gets into the belly of the muscle and addresses the muscle attachments,” says Charlotte Prescott, director of spa and fitness for Canyon Ranch Miami Beach in Florida.  “Some people find it painful, but it’s very therapeutic.”

Choose it if you have areas of chronic tension or muscular injuries.

***side note*** I personally do not agree that deep-tissue can be painful.  If the therapist warms the muscle properly and does not go too deep to quickly there should be no pain.  I also do not do deep tissue massage on muscular injuries.

SHIATSU

This Japanese modality works with the body’s energetic meridian system.  Therapists use their fingers and hands to apply massage and acupressure, and may incorporate gentle stretching.

Choose it if you’d like to get the benefits of acupuncture without the needles.  ” Shiatsu addresses the organ systems, so it can treat more systemic problems like insomnia, PMS, stomach problems or headaches,” says Maureen Moon, NCBMT, R.M.T., spokeswoman for the American Massage Therapy Assocaition.

THAI

You keep your clothes on, lie on the floor and let your therapist work your body through a series of stretches designed to release muscular tension.  “It’s like a lazy man’s yoga,” says Angie Parris – Raney, R.M.T, a massage therapist in Littleton, Colo.

Choose it if you want to feel invigorated.  “When my Thai massage clients get done, they’re ready to go home and clean the house,” says Parris-Raney.  “It charges you up.”

ABHYANGA

A form of Ayurvedic bodywork, abhyanga works to correct imbalances in the doshas (the energies that govern life).  Therapists use herb-infused massage oils and apply them using strokes properly paced for your dosha (vata, smooth and slow; pitta, slow and precise: kapha, vigorous).

Choose it if you’re feeling frenzied (vata imbalanced), fried (pitta imablanced) or sluggish (kapha imbalanced).  It’s a good choice to balance mind and body,” says Prescott.

LOMI LOMI

This traditional Hawaiian massage includes long, flowing, rhythmic strokes and forearm pressure.  The idea is to help release emotional tension stored in the musculature and invite good feelings; the treatment is often describes as “loving hands.”

Choose it if you are game for adventure.  Lomi lomi is like a dance; the practitioner’s hulalike movements around the massage table assist in the flow of energy.

CRANIOSACRAL THERAPY

Developed by a chiropractor, craniosacral therapy employs ultra-light touch to help balance pressure in the spine between your cranium and sacrum (hence the name).  It facilitates muscular release by working directly with the nervous system.

Choose it if you have headaches – the modality is widely used to treat migraines – allergies, sinusitis or you’re totally stressed out.  “Without a doubt, craniosacral is the most relaxing treatment you can get, ” says Moon.

REFLEXOLOGY

Reflexology holds the belief that each of the body’s organs corresponds with an area on the bottom of the foot.  Therapists apply pressure to the feet to create changes in the body.

Choose it if you have a health issue.  A complement to standard medical care, reflexology can provide relaxation and improve blood flow, which can help reduce pain for a number of ailments.

The Levator Scapulae May 5, 2010

Before I began a massage I ask my client if there is a specific area they would like me to spend extra time on. Usually they say the same thing, “I carry all my stress in my shoulders” while gripping the muscles between their neck and shoulder blade. I suppose they are describing the daily stresses which pile up into feelings of distress. When in this state we tend to lift our shoulders toward our ears. This is a protective response and lifted shoulders equal a constantly overworked levator scapulae.

The levator scapulae muscle or just the levator, is the muscle that lifts the shoulder blade up toward the ears. There are 2 levator muscles, one on either side of the spine. The levator also plays a role in neck flexibility. If one of the two levator muscles is working it assists with the bending and rotating of the neck to the same side on which the muscle is located. When both levator scapulae are working they help to tilt the head back. The levator also helps with another, more subtle movement of the shoulder blade. For many of us it works almost continuously (due to stress, posture etc.) and can become rather sore.

HEALING STRETCHES FOR THE LEVATOR

Stretches are generally advisable before and after any sporting or heavy physical activity. What is even more effective are stretches focused on the tight muscles that give you that give you a feeling of discomfort and restriction. Believe it or not, by following a daily routine of just a few focused stretches on the right portions of the affected muscle tissue, you can improve the muscles condition.

– Start with straight shoulders with head facing straight ahead.

– Tilt the head to the left and try to touch your shoulder with your ear.

– While keeping your shoulders level move your head slightly forward.

You will start to feel the focused stretch on the tight strands of the the muscle.

– Reach your left arm over the left eye brow and grasp the area behind your right ear.

– Gently let the weight of your arm do the stretching.

– Try moving your arm slightly forward or back to feel the stretch on the tight tissue.

Hold this stretch for at least 20 seconds.

Here are a few video instructed stretches.

If you follow a daily focused stretch routine, especially on the troubled areas, you will feel a noticeable improvement over time.

Posture is also important in the health of our muscles. Be mindful to keep your head in alignment with your spine and your shoulders back and down. Proper posture will help your levator from becoming contracted and sore.

Stretching For Muscle Health May 4, 2010

As a massage therapist I come across many individuals who exercise frequently but fail to incorporate stretching techniques into their routine. Stretching and flexibility are key to muscle health and injury prevention. In order for a muscle and your body to function ideally it needs strength, endurance, and flexibility.

Stretching muscles to maintain flexibility may be more important for many people then exercising their muscles to maintain strength and endurance. Ideally, you should perform a full body stretching routine lasting about 30 minutes, three times a week, separate from any workout you perform.

I know you’re probably thinking who has time for that? Well, if you are not inclined to do this, stretch as often as you can following the tips listed below. You should especially concentrate on your hamstrings (back of upper leg) and low back as they are weak points for most people.

• When exercising it is much more important to stretch after exercising. A moderate routine focusing on muscles you worked out is recommended after exercise.

• For maximum flexibility training, stretch separately from your workouts. A stretching routine conducted three times a week is ideal.

• It is not recommended to stretch cold muscles. If you want to stretch before a workout you should do it after a 5 – 10 minute warm up. The stretching routine should only be light.

• Increasing functional range of motion through stretching requires time. You cannot rush it.

• Hold your stretches about 10 – 20 seconds but no more than 30 seconds without special training and for a special purpose.

• Stretching should not cause any pain. If you experience any pain, STOP and consult a professional.

mars and venus April 21, 2010

I pride myself on understanding the people in my life. Men on the other hand continue to stump me. I’ve had my fair share of relationships some good some not so good, but there was something to learn from each. What I still haven’t learned is how to communicate with the men I seek a committed relationship with. I’m an independent, strong willed woman who speaks her mind. When it comes to expressing what I’m looking for in a relationship with a man I feel strongly for I become someone I don’t recognize. I’m tired of making the same choices and not getting the results I want.

For guidance I started reading the book Catch Him and Keep Him by Christian Carter. Now me admitting this is HUGE because I usually don’t read these kind of books (because i think i know everything), but it came highly recommended so I figured why not.

It is a really good book and it explains a lot. He doesn’t claim to have all the answers as every man is different, but he speaks generally. The book is more about women taking control of our emotions and making realistic expectations on ourselves and the men we date. He speaks in depth about taking responsibility for the men we choose and the relationships we end up in. Making our expectations clear is what he stresses. That has always been a problem for me because I think I’ll push a man away if I state what I want and he doesn’t want the same. According to Mr. Carter real men are attracted to women who clearly state what they want and know who they are; women who are strong, independent, emotionally stable and secure with themselves. I consider myself this type of woman, but there are ways my insecurities reveal themselves and I don’t even know it. Like when a man doesn’t return my phone call in a timely fashion and I end up leaving a message that sounds needy and pitiful. Actions like that snowball into something bigger and things NEVER go the way I hoped. Right now I’m trying to find the balance between the nagging, needy chick and the distant chick. It takes work.

Men and women ARE different. I kept telling myself that we are the same, but after reading this book I now understand we aren’t. Men do not respond or live as emotionally as we do. We may connect with a man quicker than he connects with us. We as women create a reality in our mind when we meet a man and we expect him to live up to the expectations we created. When they don’t we respond by attacking them with questions and making ultimatums, displaying neediness and insecurity. I have been there. I have been a victim to my own mind. And I don’t care what any woman says PMS is REAL. Around our time of the month our emotions are SERIOUSLY out of wack. I usually try to stay away from the man I am seeing around this time to avoid potential problems.

The thing is we can’t make important decisions based upon how we feel. Our emotions are strong and should be acknowledged, but making decisions based on them is not a good idea. I mean come on we’ve all seen it. Maybe it was our friend, mother, sister or some Lifetime movie of the week. I see it everyday! I try to speak from a place of reality with my girlfriends and help them to understand why their actions are counterproductive, but all I get back is WHAT I FEEL. I understand. I have been there, but the only difference is I DO NOT ACT ON IT! The range of issues that come about as a result of our FEEELINGS is wide. Just watch Cheaters or Jerry Springer. Acting a plum fool because of ones feelings is not ok.

The point I’m trying to make is we as women understand how we feel, but we really need to try and understand is how men work. I will advise any woman to get this book, but only if they are ready for a real relationship and they know what kind of man they want.

Seconds of Pleasure April 7, 2010

I was listening to Van Hunt last night and the song Seconds of Pleasure started booming across my speakers. Prior to yesterday I listened to this song from purely a sexual point of view. I mean the music just oozes sex! I really heard the lyrics this time and was like wow! I connected to the words because I live my life in the moment. My favorite line is “I’ve become amused by the little things.” I truly have. The smallest moments bring a smile to my face.

Like seeing my youngest niece wobble around and her face beaming as she learns how to use her legs. Seeing the joy on her face at her new-found freedom is wonderful.

My oldest niece is so affectionate. I hope she never looses that part of herself. She’ll sit right next to me, like almost on top of me when I’m surfing the net. She definitely knows how to spread the love!

My nephew has the most kind spirit I have seen in a child. I was frying eggs once and the food was popping and he was like “Wow, that’s popping really far. Be careful auntie.” And he was so amazed when I was making my smoothing the other morning. Seeing the little things bring them joy brings me to a place of bliss! I now understand why adults love having children around.

Spending quality time with friends, enjoying their energy. Not saying much, just being present in the moment. Sometimes it’s the things not said, but shared energetically.

Enjoying a ripe avocado.

The smell of grass after the rain.

Being present when needed by a loved one.

Being able to share with the world.

What are your seconds of pleasure?

For you listening enjoyment.

Take care and spread love!

I Love You, Man… March 29, 2010

ok, so i saw this movie again a few days ago and i love it so. not only is it hilarious, but it touched on a subject not often addressed. the dynamic of the male/male friendship. (if you haven’t seen this movie i suggest you don’t read further).

the main character peter klaven (paul rudd) gets engaged and realizes after listening in on his fiancee and her friends (he makes root beer floats for the gang without their knowledge of his being there) that he is friendless, so he goes on a series of man-dates (yes man-dates) to find a best man. he meets sydney fife (jason segel). the blossoming of their relationship is similar to the beginning stages of a male/female relationship. there is awkwardness, hesitation over that first phone call and trying to impress one another. over time a true bond is established. it was beautiful to see. it went to an emotional level i have never really seen between men.

of course there needed to be some drama, minor as it was, it all seemed silly to me. his fiancee became annoyed that peter was spending so much time with sydney and said that he was changing. of course the man changed. his mother was his only best friend prior to this guy. he really was a sad sight to see. a sweet, loving, attentive sight, but sad none the less. i just hated seeing her insecurities about their relationship crop up as a result of his newly formed friendship. at one point sydney questioned peter as to why he was marrying her and he couldn’t answer the question. that was a huge red flag for me and it was to her when he asked her why they were getting married. i mean the man had an opportunity to step outside of her world and re-examine exactly why their relationship worked. in the end everything worked out, but i walked away from this movie with two thoughts.

1. every person (man/woman/child) needs to develop other relationships outside of their direct families and significant others.

2. when entering a new romantic relationship, make sure each of you has a life outside of the new union. it’s not healthy to immerse yourself into your significant others world because over time you lose who you are.

i have done this many, many times. i wanted the relationship to work despite the fact we had nothing in common and i would change my life to fit in their world. of course these relationships never lasted and i walked away lost.

this all goes back to my belief of truly knowing who you are before you attempt to enter into a union with another individual. it is not fair to you or the other person if you don’t. truly working through your emotional baggage is a MUST! i took a year and a half out of my life to do this and i came out the other side a totally different person. the past stop mattering the moment i decided to change things. i view relationships from a point of unconditional love and except every person in my life for who they are. if you want someone in your life you NEED to do this. no one is going to change for you. you either accept them or you don’t. that means the good and the bad. this is why i try not to give my opinion on other peoples relationships. we all have different tolerance levels. what may be perfectly acceptable to someone else may not be so to me. every decision you make regarding your relationship has to come from you. you are the one in it. not a culmination of your girlfriends or guyfriends.

take care and spread love…..